I don’t know about you, but when I’m faced with a deadline, be it imaginary (which I am prone to having) or an actual date on the calendar, I start to question everything.
Am I working on the right thing?
Will it get done in time?
Should I do this?
Should I do that?
What will be sacrificed by me doing __________ now instead?
In other words, my mind fills itself (rather quickly) with all manner of doubt. I kind of freak out and stress takes root.
You know how some people need coffee to stay on top of things? How it makes them more able, awake and attuned to the tasks at hand? How, if they have 3, 4, 5 cups they’ll get a nice little hum within their body that lets them know they’ll make it to the deadline mentally functional? Yeah, that’s so not me. My body works that way anyway. All you have to do is flash the word “deadline” in my face, and my insides are churning at warp speed already. Food? Nah, who needs it? I’m sick at my stomach instead. Coffee? NO… my heart might explode from beating too rapidly.
I don’t do calm well. People not related to me by birth have told me that on the outside I seem calm. The reality is on the inside I’m that serene duck floating gracefully above the water, while my feet are pedaling furiously underneath the surface.
Doubt. Grimy, jumpy, creepy crawly, itchy doubt. It makes life so uncomfortable. So… uncertain.
But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the wind. James 1:6
And we humans like certainty, don’t we?
Unfortunately, life isn’t certain. In fact, there’s very little that is knowable.
Even God.
I mean, He is knowable, but we usually don’t strive to know Him in the same way we spend our efforts figuring out what sandwich we’ll have for lunch, how then next bill will be paid, or how long it will be until things are the way we want them to be. How we need them to be. God is knowable, but we often choose doubt instead of its opposite – faith.
And when they saw him they worshiped him, but some doubted. Matthew 28:17
Even faced with the tangible presence of a Jesus risen from the dead, some doubted. And I’m no different. Especially when faced with a deadline of some sort. I start to worry about how it will all get done, rather than trusting that it will. That’s my default… doubt, unfortunately.
Trust, faith… that’s something I actively have to work at. Every day. Every moment. Every issue. I have to make a choice to have faith instead of doubt. Faith that things will get done. That things will work out. That what needs to get done, will.
Right now, I’m struggling with more than just deadlines, I’m also struggling with grief and loss. Is it because there’s a deadline I’m having these concerns, or is it because I’m facing these life-changing issues that the deadline is working against me? How do you tell? My last child is getting ready to leave the nest, and having been a stay-at-home homeschooling mom, this is hitting me much harder than I anticipated. On top of that, one of our dogs is fighting a losing battle. Every day is one more day to be grateful that she’s still here, yet each day I live in fear that the dominoes of her days are collapsing on to each other more rapidly and there aren’t many more until the last one falls. I’m just praying that she’ll make it past the day my daughter leaves – one of those self-imposed deadlines – so that my daughter won’t have to leave knowing that emptiness that’s sure to be there.
I’m fighting against it all though. The deadlines, the doubt, the sadness and loss. God knows this, and He, and only He can give me the faith I need when I’m so full of uncertainty. He works through me. He works in me. He has the faith for me, even when I don’t.
Truly, I say to you, whoever says to this mountain, ‘Be taken up and thrown into the sea,’ and does not doubt in his heart, but believes that what he says will come to pass, it will be done for him. Mark 11:23
This I know….
Doubt fails.
Trust and faith and love wins.
It’s already done.
I just need to get my mind and heart and soul realigned with this truth.
For of His fullness we have all received, and grace upon grace. John 1:16
You know how much I love you and love your sweet, calm, unwavering faith! You will get through this tough time. It seems like you have had so much to deal with. I will pray for your peace, and your inner strength to take hold and carry you forward. So sorry about your beloved furry friend. They have a way of making us so love them…they love us so much and never ask for anything but love back. It’s hard not to become so attached. Praying for you, hoping you will find that sweet place of peace. You are an amazing woman whom I admire. Wonderful wife, mother and friend..love you, Christine! Joanne Kelso